hey blog,
and my prophecy never fails to come true as it is.
i am officially in a dilemma again.

u see, when b4 the op the doc said that,
id propbably recover in 3mths, enuf time for my ns.
bt, after issuing a letter that was meant for the ns authorities,
(which presumably is something i was not supposed to read.)
i realized at the final bit of the letter, it said
".....and vigorous exercises should best be avoided for at least one year"

blog.
its not 3 months.
its not 6.
not 9.
its 12 mths.
its 1 year.
1 friggin year.
if i enter as scheduled, i will become a clerk.

but.
given a yr break from physical activities, why not just enter ns nx yr?
might as well enter nx yr since its conveniently 1 year of break.

why God?
why?
why give me this break?
it's like you're giving me time for another year of A lvls.
"might as well take A lvls while you're free"
some would say.

why God?
why give me this 1 yr break?
why 1 year specifically?
itss like, it's so conveniently laid out for me to
option 1) be free from all phy activities throughout the whole of ns.
option 2) retake my a lvls while being free as a clerk.
option 3) enter ns the following year and have a year to do something.

to do what?
to do what?

*sigh*
God.
i know ive always complained about the tortures of ns.
th sweat. the stink. the suffering.
bt.
to be completely free from it.
what are you trying to make me do?

to think of it, even though i initially didnt want such ns torture,
i sorta, want a normal.
life.
it's always been eccentric.
maybe i shudn say that.
but.
some wud say
"its a golden opportunity! jump at it!"
yeah, being free from phy stuff, has always seemed like what i wanted.
but now that i think of it.
i dun wanna waste nx life behind a desk arranging documents.
despite the sweat, blood, tears and torture,
it would all result in bonding.
the people.
its gives a social life.
the pain.
it gives nostalgia.

i want that.
its like im turning my back to a golden opp.
but.
i want that ns life.
the social life.
the boyhood.
the bond.
the nostalgia.

which means i've to postpone and enter nx year.
then what do i do in this 1 year break?

just what is it that you're tryna make me do God?

is the 1yr for me to reflect?
sheila suggested that.
maybe its also to find what i want in life.
i dunnoe God.

do you want me to enter pj again and retake my alvls?
OMG that'd be so awkward.
i know my results are not excellent.
but probably not that good either.
but coming into school?
new classmates and everything oh.
but taking private?
individual study?
notes-less?
that's difficult.

God.
i don't know what you're tryna make me do or realize.
but i know one thing.
there's always a reason why things turn out the way it does.
it's a matter of whether we get to know it or not.


but for this.





you bet i deserve to know.